Everyday I see posts about your kid.  How great she is doing in sports and school, pictures of prom and school events.  Photos of her with her friends and family around town and at the beach, getting coffee and thoroughly enjoying teenage life through the glorious filters of social media.

I love reading your posts about her plans and dreams, seeing her accomplishments and achievements through your eyes.  Your family is beautiful, and it is heartwarming to see her getting along with her siblings and extended family.

I try to make an effort to “like” and comment on your photos.  I really am happy for her and your family and I wish her the absolute best.  When I see her around town I ask her about school and sports, what her plans are etc.  She seems very happy and confident and it is a good thing she has so many people in her corner supporting her.  

My kid doesn’t get the same kind of support.  High school became the perfect storm of social struggle and depression.  He just couldn’t cope. He made some very regrettable decisions and chose to forgo graduating, instead getting his GED.  He’s been working since and trying to figure out what he wants to do. His self-esteem is at zero.

Thankfully he has a group of friends that have stuck by him.  Like him a few have made some bad decisions. Some of them look a little rough around the edges and rather than exhibit a happy carefree demeanor spend much of their time sulking.

His dad and I are starting to see glimpses of the former happy and confident kid that blessed our home with boisterous laughter a mere two years ago. It’s doubtful you see this though if you see him at all.  The former confident stride has been replaced with hunched shoulders and his face hidden by long hair and a ball-cap pulled forward. He always has headphones on, so if you do say hello he probably doesn’t hear.

He has made attempts at reconnecting with kids at school but it’s been tough.  Even though he buckled down and passed the GED relatively quickly he views himself as a dropout and stupid.  When he has shown up at sporting events in support of his friends he’s heard the whispers “Why is he here?” He gets when it comes from the kids, but when it comes from former coaches and parents it hurts.

My son is still part of the community.  He knows he made mistakes and wants to move forward.  The very adults that were encouraging when he was a “good” kid now offer no encouragement.  Sometimes he will even hear a snide remark about his appearance or the way he smells. On more than one occasion he has been used as a scapegoat by a parent or coach when another kid makes a poor decision.  

Had my son made it to college but suffered a mental health crisis his sophomore year and come home to work I doubt anyone would blink.  The same folks who find it easy to be critical now would likely offer support and try to help him get on his feet. Because he chose to forgo high school he’s been labeled a loser and one to avoid.

The approach my son’s father and I have taken is to love and support him unconditionally.  The path he has chosen is not the path we envisioned but it does not change the fact we love him.  We are not going to punish him by denying him the same support we give his other brother who is in college. We knew from the beginning of this crisis the healing process would be long and we could not give up up him no matter how frustrating or difficult it was.

I still want your kid to do well and I am very happy for those finding success.  If your child has worked hard and now has a bright future in college, the military or even a good job I wish them the best. Having lived nearly five decades I know everyone will experience good and bad times.  The one thing we all have going for us is a better future, especially if we support each other. It’s easy to support those who have the world by the tail and have done everything right, much harder to take a few minutes and offer support to someone struggling.

The other day my son acknowledged and thanked me and his father for our standing by him.  There isn’t another adult in his life he feels would help him. Some of you say you would, but would you?  Is your idea of support a “pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps” lecture? Do you think you could listen to a kid like him and offer gentle encouragement for just getting through the day?  He and many other kids have a tough road ahead. Are they worth the effort? Could you love them?